Dealing with step parents
When planning a wedding, the last thing that you want to be thinking about is divorce. Many brides and grooms have parents who have been divorced, and may not be on the best of terms or have hard feelings between the exes and/or new spouses they married. It's reasonable to expect all parties involved to behave in a civilized manner on your wedding day. The bridal couple should discuss and assess a delicate situation involving their parents and step parents.
The reality is that you are under no obligation to include everyone into your ceremony. This is difficult if you are attempting to respect the feelings of everyone involved. Here are some (hopefully) helpful tips to get you through the worst of planning around the issue.
It's usually best to put your priorities on the feelings involved with the biological parents. The exception would be if they are being totally unreasonable about the presence or involvement of the step parents. The biological parents should be included into the ceremony with the highest places of honor such as assisting in dressing the bride (bio mom), escorting the bride down the bridal path (bio dad), the order of seating (groom's bio mom first, then bride's bio mom), seating in the front row, being mentioned within the ceremony, toasted at a reception, or being included in a receiving line.
A lot depends on the timing of the divorce, such as if it occurred when you were a child and the new step parent became actively involved in co parenting. If this is the case then you will probably want to involve or integrate that person into your wedding party more so than the step parent that did not enter into your life until later years in your life. All parents, step and biological should be given a corsage and boutonniere. This is an inexpensive and thoughtful way to acknowledge all involved in getting you to this special day. Other suggestions may include the following, depending on the level of comfort with all parties involved:
1. Have your step mothers seated as part of the processional. Just make sure they are seated before the biological mothers.
2. If your stepfather has been an important part of the bride's life, then think about having him escort you part of the way down the aisle, or joining you and your dad as you arrive at the front row. Check with your dad first!
3. Have your dad escort the bride down the aisle (in traditional fashion). When the officiant asks, "Who gives their blessing to this marriage?" ALL the parents (even the groom's) can answer "We do."
4. Have one of your step-parents do a reading or recite the final blessing.
5. Include your stepparents in the prayer of thanks to the parents. Out of respect for your parents, you'd have the officiant refer to your biological parents first, then your stepparents after that.
6. Blow off the entire idea of including any of your parents. Walk down the aisle alone (or with your groom) and just have all parental units be guests. That way, no one gets offended!
7. Have your biological parents do all the honors for the wedding, but include a special word of thanks to your parents AND stepparents in the program.
8. As far as seating goes, traditional etiquette dictates that married couples should be seated together. According to the rules of those etiquette mavens in the know, it should look like this (it's the same for both bride's and groom's side, so we'll just list the bride's side). Your mom gets the first row and she should be seated next to her husband/significant other. Stepmom goes in the second row, seated next to your biological father. In cases where there is enough seating and everyone gets along, then all four parents (if there are that many) can be seated in the first row. The order should be (from outside in) mother, stepfather, father, stepmother. Of course, if your father and stepfather are ready to kill each other, you'll need to modify this arrangement. Use your common sense and get your officiant to help you-etiquette rules are there to make people comfortable. If following them has the opposite affect, then toss them and make up your own rules.
9. If the situation among your parents is really tense and you truly like and respect your stepparent but want to respect your biological parents' wishes, then go along with your biological parents' wishes for the big day, but be sure to arrange some special time with your stepparents beforehand so that you can tell them how much you value them in your lives. Take your stepmother out to lunch, have dinner with the groom's dad and his wife a week or so before the wedding. Make them feel special and let them know you are glad they will be there on your special day, in spite of possible difficult circumstances.
10. Talk to your wedding coordinator (if you have one) and your officiant, about possible sources of friction, volatile situations, etc. This will allow them to mentally prepare for the worst case scenario, and think quickly if things start to go south.
The reality is that you are under no obligation to include everyone into your ceremony. This is difficult if you are attempting to respect the feelings of everyone involved. Here are some (hopefully) helpful tips to get you through the worst of planning around the issue.
It's usually best to put your priorities on the feelings involved with the biological parents. The exception would be if they are being totally unreasonable about the presence or involvement of the step parents. The biological parents should be included into the ceremony with the highest places of honor such as assisting in dressing the bride (bio mom), escorting the bride down the bridal path (bio dad), the order of seating (groom's bio mom first, then bride's bio mom), seating in the front row, being mentioned within the ceremony, toasted at a reception, or being included in a receiving line.
A lot depends on the timing of the divorce, such as if it occurred when you were a child and the new step parent became actively involved in co parenting. If this is the case then you will probably want to involve or integrate that person into your wedding party more so than the step parent that did not enter into your life until later years in your life. All parents, step and biological should be given a corsage and boutonniere. This is an inexpensive and thoughtful way to acknowledge all involved in getting you to this special day. Other suggestions may include the following, depending on the level of comfort with all parties involved:
1. Have your step mothers seated as part of the processional. Just make sure they are seated before the biological mothers.
2. If your stepfather has been an important part of the bride's life, then think about having him escort you part of the way down the aisle, or joining you and your dad as you arrive at the front row. Check with your dad first!
3. Have your dad escort the bride down the aisle (in traditional fashion). When the officiant asks, "Who gives their blessing to this marriage?" ALL the parents (even the groom's) can answer "We do."
4. Have one of your step-parents do a reading or recite the final blessing.
5. Include your stepparents in the prayer of thanks to the parents. Out of respect for your parents, you'd have the officiant refer to your biological parents first, then your stepparents after that.
6. Blow off the entire idea of including any of your parents. Walk down the aisle alone (or with your groom) and just have all parental units be guests. That way, no one gets offended!
7. Have your biological parents do all the honors for the wedding, but include a special word of thanks to your parents AND stepparents in the program.
8. As far as seating goes, traditional etiquette dictates that married couples should be seated together. According to the rules of those etiquette mavens in the know, it should look like this (it's the same for both bride's and groom's side, so we'll just list the bride's side). Your mom gets the first row and she should be seated next to her husband/significant other. Stepmom goes in the second row, seated next to your biological father. In cases where there is enough seating and everyone gets along, then all four parents (if there are that many) can be seated in the first row. The order should be (from outside in) mother, stepfather, father, stepmother. Of course, if your father and stepfather are ready to kill each other, you'll need to modify this arrangement. Use your common sense and get your officiant to help you-etiquette rules are there to make people comfortable. If following them has the opposite affect, then toss them and make up your own rules.
9. If the situation among your parents is really tense and you truly like and respect your stepparent but want to respect your biological parents' wishes, then go along with your biological parents' wishes for the big day, but be sure to arrange some special time with your stepparents beforehand so that you can tell them how much you value them in your lives. Take your stepmother out to lunch, have dinner with the groom's dad and his wife a week or so before the wedding. Make them feel special and let them know you are glad they will be there on your special day, in spite of possible difficult circumstances.
10. Talk to your wedding coordinator (if you have one) and your officiant, about possible sources of friction, volatile situations, etc. This will allow them to mentally prepare for the worst case scenario, and think quickly if things start to go south.
